Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
