His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
