What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Boobs are out for the taking
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
