I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
