It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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