Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
