Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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