It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I touched a dick in church today
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
