I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
tell me about the fingering
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