im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
