Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
