kristin has been a bad kristin
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We're too hungover to prance.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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