I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
