Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
