Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
