seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
