Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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