If i come over, it means nothing
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
