I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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