is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
