if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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