i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
