if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
