Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You made out with two different species that night
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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