that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
