i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
