we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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