Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
