i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
