walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
