# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
