I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize