Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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