I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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