I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
