Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
