I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
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