I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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