who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
