I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
