my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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