Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
