the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You are the jesus of drinking
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
