just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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