K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
