He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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