my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
