i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize