How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
