i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I don't deserve a penis
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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