I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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