I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
