Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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