you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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