im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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